Forced Nobility V World Changing Honesty
Is honesty more important than nobility? Is honesty nobility in itself?
An excerpt from my next book. Coming sometime after baby is born but with zero rush cos #energypreservation lol. X
I’m at a stage in my life right now where honest to God, my priority in my life is not making an impact outside of my home. In writing this book and putting it together, my #1 intention is my creative expression. If it serves and impacts you, then that’s great. But truthfully in my body, it wasn’t what revved me up to do it. It was my own intrinsic desire to make it, to express myself in this way, that did. Is that wrong? I’m sure artists who sit and paint aren’t trying to change the world. I don’t think something has to be intentionally world changing to be worthy of doing, wanting, having.
Right now, I’m at a time in my life where I have things to take care of at home, in my personal life, in my body, that are my numero uno. For too long, I ran at a pace that was unsustainable. For too long, I did things I didn’t wanna do just because they felt like the right thing to do. For too long, I over-gave, leaving me depleted. For too long, I kept doing things I was completely done with because of the sense of esteem and nobility surrounding commitment. I was living my life helping others live their ideal day everyday, and I wasn’t living my own.
I wonder a lot, how many of us aren’t living our true purpose, because we’re living one we feel is more noble? I wonder how many of us aren’t pursuing our love of art, cars, or cafe culture because our story it’s ‘transformation coach or bust’. I wonder how many of us aren’t following new excitements because we’re scared of taking a mega slide down the nobility scale? I wonder how many of us are ignoring our truest, most honest form of activism because it’s doesn’t win us as many noble points on the gram as our protest pics. I wonder how many of us say ‘love and light’ when our most honest, healing and high vibe response is a simple ‘f*** off for a minute’. Forced and pretend nobility is an easy place to hide cos it looks good. But we all know the world is responding to how it feels. Your activism may not appear world changing, but if it’s honest and life-force-altering than it IS.
Are we here to do what is noble according to…… what everyone thinks?
Or are we here to (super fucking bravely) do what excites us so much that it would feel like the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done since saying bye to the 9-5 in 2012?
What is more noble? Saying “that’s great that you’re all protesting and that is super hot for you!, it’s just not hot for me. I’m staying home, spending today with my kid/redecorating my loungeroom and baking banana bread.”
Or “I better go to that protest. Everyone will be posting photos of it later and I wanna post one too.” (while not actually truly caring about it.)
In this personal growth/activism/spiritual world-- there’s conflicting messages.
US: Yeh I’m all about liberation and autonomy. Everyone should own their worth, be themselves and speak their truth.
Also us: How can you charge that much? It’s too expensive. How can you say that? It’s offensive. How can you believe that? It’s wrong. Why don’t you care about this? You should.
Which is it? Should people have full autonomy over what they care about? The timing of which they are allowed to evolve? What they like and don’t like?
Or- should everyone who is a ‘good, conscious, woke ass person’ care about this, protest this, do this kinda work?
There is a subtle, yet increasingly annoying disparity between what people SAY because it’s basically the mega chorus of the personal growth world, and what we actually mean.
It sounds like “Be free everyone!” but it feels like “How dare you not care about what I care about.”
At one of my events in 2016, I gave a $10k grant to an organisation or project in an initiative i called ‘Moves that matter’. There were some amazing applications in the areas of sustainable fashion, Indigenous education… It was beautiful. We let the audience vote, and they voted for an organisation providing a curriculum around self love/personal growth/emotional health to children in Tanzania. As I presented the cheque, it was pretty emotional as one of the men was from Tanzania- his heart was really in it. He broke down in tears. After, one by one people started coming up adding their own donations, until we reached around $50k. Whoa! It was beautiful. My brother was in the room, and I didn’t see this but he told me later-- He said “Remember at your event when everyone ran up and donated? I didn’t. I sat in my seat. It wasn’t my thing to give to.”
My brother, along with me, retired our single Mum. Every week, he pays half of her living wage. He donates a lot of his time with people 1:1 and on calls, free coaching just out of the goodness of his heart. He spends money on travelling the world so he can always visit us and his niece no matter where we live. He also spends a lot of time enjoying his fucking life.
Was he any less noble for staying in his seat and not racing up to donate because everyone else did? No. He’s honest. He knows what he values and cares about. And he knows what he doesn’t value and care about. And that doesn’t make him any less of a caring, conscious, loving human than someone who runs a NFP giving clean water to XYZ people in Africa.
Using nobility to hide. This is big for me right now. For toooooo long, I was doing what I felt was right. “I’m good at this, so I should do it.” “I can get on that call, so I should.” “I can give money to that, so I will.” This little microdecisions added up to a life where I was tired. So tired I got pneumonia which in Louise Hay language is ‘desperate.’ I was desperate. I was really desperate. I felt like I needed to have surgery to unplug all the little cords of responsibility, service and nobility that were plugged into my body like a sparkly looking leach. Staying there for so long because of… Nobility.
Nobility, high vibe, yeh? Yet, if there were categorised ‘low vibe/ toxic people’ around, demanding my energy, luring me away from my centre, I’d put a stop to that shit in an instance. We have put things into categories “high vibe/low vibe” “right/wrong” “On purpose/not on purpose.” “conscious/not conscious” etc.
So if something is distracting us from our centre, luring us away from our true alignment but it is ‘noble’ and ‘good’ and ‘right’, then we let it. It’s easy to let go of ‘toxic people’ toxic jobs’ cos that’s all part of the chorus, isn’t it?
What if nobility is toxic, too?
What if our ‘coach’ is toxic, too? Maybe not the person, but the effect it has on us?
What if the amount of personal growth events we attend, is toxic?
What if that tantric event was toxic?
What if doing that many ayahuasca ceremonies is toxic?
What if donating all of your money when you don’t want to, is toxic?
What if trying to help everyone, is toxic?
What if your relentless desire to be seen as ‘of impact’ ‘ of value’ and ‘of service’ is the most toxic plug you have plugged into you right now?
We leave the ‘matrix’ of the 9-5, toxic friends, a toxic party scene or whatever, and we lean on a new world-- whether it be activism or personal growth or the new age or religion. We lean on it so much that it becomes another matrix. Rather than a support system, we get entangled in it. We play by its rules, it becomes our new dogma. We do things because they are spiritual because ‘people like me do things like this.’ At first we think it’s freeing us, we feel good, a better human, someone who is doing so much good in the world… and then, it cages us. It lures us to one event, one protest, one coaching session further and further away from our centre.
It becomes a new way for us not to have to think for ourselves. Just like how sometimes super dogmatic religious people live according to rules rather than their own compass. The new age can be no different, just perhaps a little less abrasive. We drown in the notes we took at all the events and all those videos, ‘content’ made, more noise. We read more than we actually listen. We do things according to what we believe yesterday, never letting them change because we have people watching us, what would they think? We think the rules are ok this time, because they’re conscious rules. But any rules are just reasons not to fully trust our own fucking gut.
I believe the most noble thing we can do is be honest with ourselves about what we care about, what we value, what we want to do with our time, what we want to make, join or not make or join.
I believe the most noble thing we can do is let ourselves change, let ourselves breathe when we’re in between that person and this person. Not rush to tell the world who we are, declaring it and updating our bio…. But just exploring it, not judging the shit out of it.
I used to donate thousands, or tens of thousands and rush to share it with the world so that everyone knew how good of a person I was. So everyone knew that I was socially responsible. So that everyone knew that yeh, I may have worked hard to earn good money but don’t worry-- I’ll only spend it on things that are noble. Don’t worry, no luxury for this little lady. Who would I be, to want a little luxury in a world that needs me to continuously bleed in order to be a good person?